Wednesday, August 3, 2016

4 Parenting Styles - Which One Are You?

Experts have identified 4 main parenting styles among parents of young children.  Many parents don't fit neatly into either one or the other, but, depending on the situation and personalities of the parents and children involved, lines between the different styles of parenting may become blurred. Our own upbringing plays a large part in how we parent our kids. I was raised by very strict parents in a time when children were "seen and not heard",  and have found myself, at times, horrified by my father's words coming out of my mouth. "Because I said so!", "Close that door!,  "Put it down now!", and "Those lights won't turn off by themselves", are some phrases that come to mind, uttered in moments of pure frustration.  But we don't have to be stuck in the parenting styles of the past.  As parents, we are free to write a new script, one that will help define our own family culture.  Which style will it be?

Imagine this scenario:  You are at the grocery store with your child, and head to the check out line before returning home for dinner. Your child wants a treat from the candy strategically placed next to the cart and grabs a couple of candy bars from the rack, insisting that you buy them. What would you do?

Authoritarian Parents

When your child takes the candy bars, you firmly tell him to put them back immediately. You don't explain the reasons why, but demand obedience to your directive without negotiation. The authoritarian style of parenting describes parents who establish firm rules and boundaries, and expect that children will obey them without question.  Parents who use phrases such as "Do as I say" or "Because I said so" demand obedience from their children, but don't explain the reason behind the rule.  Obedience is enforced through strict consequences or punishments for disobedience. 

Children of authoritarian parents may grow up not understanding how to problem-solve or make responsible choices to govern their own behavior. They may not learn to self-monitor behavior, but  rely on others to set limits for them. Children may express suppressed anger in other ways, including poor school performance, behavior problems, trouble sleeping, etc. Children may doubt their ability to make decisions, resulting in lower self-esteem.

Authoritative Parents

If you calmly replace the candy (or instruct your child to replace it) and explain the reasons why your child can't have any, you may be an authoritative parent. Authoritative parents set rules, but employ consequences instead of punishments for infractions of these rules. These parents give children explanations about the reasons behind the rules.  This style of parenting enables children to develop their understanding of why the rule has been set and why it must be enforced. Parents often set up a system of positive reinforcement, allowing rewards for good behavior and praising children for their compliance.  These parents frequently work with children to come up with a mutually agreed-upon set of rules and consequences.

Children of authoritative parents grow up understanding and respecting rules and boundaries, and are confident in their ability to self-monitor their own behavior. 

Permissive Parents

Permissive parents would allow the candy to be included because they don't want their child to feel deprived of something she wants.  Permissive parents are very lenient when it comes to setting rules and establishing consequences for their children.  Very few limits or rules are enforced.  Their child's happiness is a top concern, so they strive to fulfill all of their child's wants to avoid conflict or unhappiness.

Children of permissive parents view them more as friends than authority figures. Children raised by permissive parents may have difficulty in school due to mandatory compliance to a set of rules with consequences for breaking these rules.  They may become disobedient toward adults who request adherence to rules, and defiant when they need to carry out a consequence for noncompliance.

Noninvolved Parents

Noninvolved parents establish no rules or limits, and put their own needs and wants before the needs of the child.  These parents may have undiagnosed mental challenges or substance abuse issues of their own, and as such, may be incapable of parenting children without assistance or intervention. Some examples may be the parent who is up late playing loud music or video games, thus depriving the child of needed sleep, or a parent who doesn't have established routines for meals, allowing a child to choose what and when to eat.

Children of noninvolved parents may have trouble with authority figures and adherence to rules. They may have how school performance, poor nutrition, and underdeveloped speech and language skills.  They will need outside intervention to help support their growth and development.

Over the past 40 years, there has been a huge cultural shift away from the authoritarian style of my past.  Early childhood research has indicated that children raised by authoritative parents have the most success in school and peer relationships. There are times when we will allow our child the candy, forget to pack a lunch, or yell "Don't touch that!", delving into other parenting styles, but the dominant style has a direct and lasting influence on the type of person your child will become.

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